Get off my Cloud!
by Ai-chan3
Summary: (Shounen-ai, meaning GAY content) Sex, drugs and Rock 'n' Roll. Well, two out of three ain't bad.


Get off my Cloud!  
  
Ai: Well it's been a while since I've written a fanfic. But! This is the first fanfic I've written on my BRAND SPANKIN' NEW COMPUTER! * Trumpets blare, people go deaf * Anyway, standard disclaimer. I do not own Final Fantasy VII in any way shape or form. It is the property of squaresoft and all those loverly people that make such slashable games. Oh yeah! This fic contains shounen ai. Extremely silly shounen ai involving Cloud, Vincent and Sephiroth and a classic song by the Rolling Stones.  
  
***  
  
Vincent's voice over: I live on the apartment of the ninety ninth floor of my block  
  
And I sit at home looking out the window imagining the world has stopped.  
  
* Vincent is sitting in a pair of his black pants, shirtless and staring out the window. Cloud laying on the bed, naked, a sheet wrapped strategically around his midriff. He looks extremely content. *  
  
Vincent's voice over: Then in flies this man who's all dressed up like a Union Jack  
  
* Sephiroth crashes through the window dressed in a pair of shiny pleather pants and a tight torso-revealing shirt depicting, you guessed it, the Union Jack *  
  
Vincent's voice over: And says:  
  
Sephiroth: I've won five pounds if I have his kind of detergent pack! * Leaps on the sleeping Cloud *  
  
Vincent's voice over: I said:  
  
Vincent: Hey! You! Get off my Cloud!  
  
* Sephiroth ignores him, and proceeds to pin down a struggling Cloud. Vincent looks rather exasperated. *  
  
Vincent: Hey! You! Get off my Cloud!  
  
* Sephiroth still ignores him, while Cloud pleads for help. Vincent leaps into the fray, struggling to pry Sephiroth off Cloud. *  
  
Vincent: Hey! You! Get off my Cloud!  
  
* Vincent manages to throw Seph off of Cloud and out the broken window. Vincent looks smug as Cloud cuddles possessively up to him *  
  
Vincent: Don't hang around 'cause two's a crowd  
  
On my cloud, baby  
  
Vincent's voice over: The telephone is ringing  
  
* Vincent answers while Cloud moves a bit lower down *  
  
Vincent's voice over: I say:  
  
Vincent: Hi, it's me. Who is it there on the line?  
  
* Cut scene to an apartment suite one floor down. Rufus (on a sleek black cordless phone) is laying in bed with Tseng and Reno snuggled up to him under satin leopard print sheets. There's also a box of chocolate, several cans of whipped cream, some chocolate syrup, and cherries. After the cherries, there's no hope. You might as well be staying at place called the Honey Bee Inn. *  
  
Vincent's voice over: A voice says:  
  
Rufus: Hi, hello, how are you  
  
Well, I guess I'm doin' fine.  
  
* He gets up, and starts heading up to Cloud and Vincents apartment, followed by the rather bleary-eyed Turks *  
  
Vincent's voice over: He says:  
  
Rufus: It's three a. m., there's too much noise.  
  
Don't you people ever wanna go to bed?  
  
Just 'cause you feel so good, do you have  
  
to drive me out of my head?  
  
* Rufus, Tseng, and Reno burst into the apartment, and awestruck by how god damn hot Cloud is, proceed to leap on him like the proverbial fat kid on a bag of m&ms *  
  
Vincent's voice over: I said:  
  
Vincent: Hey! You! Get off of my Cloud!  
  
* Vincent pries Tseng off and kicks him out the door *  
  
Vincent: Hey! You! Get off of my Cloud!  
  
* Vincent viciously rips Reno away from his lover and chucks him in the closet (you know he was in there all throughout the game anyway) *  
  
Vincent: Hey! You! Get off of my Cloud!  
  
* Vincent hauls Rufus up by the collar of his thousand some-odd dollar silk Vivian and tosses him out the window where he lands on top of Sephiroth. Their eyes meet, it's instant sadistic obsession, and they run off together, have a bunch of cute if rather twisted children, and live happily ever after. Once again, Vincent folds his arms and looks smug.*  
  
Vincent: Don't hang around 'cause two's a crowd  
  
On my Cloud baby  
  
* Cloud and Vincent spend the rest of the afternoon turning down wild sexual advances from just about everyone in the game; Tifa, Aeris, Yuffie, Cid, Barret, Red XIII, Cait Sith, several of the random encounters, a tentacle monster, and Marlene. Actually, Marlene just stopped by to give them each a flower, and wandered off to go be far cuter, and far more innocent and pure than any child I ever knew of. *  
  
Vincents voice over: I was sick and tired, fed up with this  
  
And decided to take a drive downtown  
  
* Cloud and Vincent hop into a car, and drive away from a group of rabid, salivating, hormone crazed monkeys... I mean fans. They drive out of Midgar, and park by the ocean where the sun is setting in the most romantic and cliché manner imaginable. *  
  
Vincent's voice over: It was so very quiet and peaceful  
  
There was nobody, not a soul around  
  
Vincent: * Significant look at Cloud *  
  
Cloud: * Significant look at Vincent *  
  
Vincent's voice over: I laid myself out, I was so tired and I started to dream  
  
* Due to some explicit language and graphic content, this scene has been CENSORED courtesy of the 'Pornography Awareness Week' society. Remember, if you watch porn, you're a child molester. *  
  
Vincent's voice over: In the morning the parking tickets were just like  
  
A flag stuck on my window screen  
  
* A Shinra SOLDIER is attempting to write a parking ticket while his face is pressed against the windshield, fogging it up. Vincent shields the naked body of his lover from the peeping tom's gaze and proceeds to get out of the car. *  
  
Vincent's voice over: I said:  
  
Vincent: Hey! You! Get off of my Cloud!  
  
* They start duking it out in a free-for-all fist fight while Cloud quickly tries to get dressed *  
  
Vincent: Hey! You! Get off of my Cloud!  
  
* Vincent knocks the SOLDIER's helmet off, revealing it to be none other than Zax himself! *  
  
Zax: Hey! You! Get off of my Cloud!  
  
Vincent and Zax: * Nose to nose * Don't hang around 'cause two's a crowd  
  
On my cloud  
  
Zax: * Takes the upper hand by swinging a hard punch at Vincent's head * Hey! You! Get off of my Cloud!  
  
Vincent: * Counter attacks with a low kick that sends Zax flying face first into the sand * Hey! You! Get off of my cloud  
  
Zax: * Drags Vincent down with him and it turns into a wild cat-fight, with Zax clearly being the better * Hey! You! Get off of my Cloud!  
  
Vincent: * Finally takes the upper hand by kneeing Zax in the ham and eggs, sending the SOLDIER keeling over into a state of helium-voice induced shock. Vincent stands, brushing himself off and takes a very impressed Cloud into his arms, and kisses him in the deep and passionate way people kiss in the movies. * Don't hang around, baby, two's a crowd-  
  
Cloud: On your Cloud, baby.  
  
End.  
  
Ai: Well, that was pointless.  
  
Cloud: Indeed. Tell me again why nobody else could join in? Especially not Zax? I thought you liked Zax!  
  
Vincent: No one else could join in because you're not a slut, and I don't like to share. We're married for a reason, Cloud.  
  
Cloud: I'm not? You DON'T? We are? Dammit Val, you tricked me!  
  
Vincent: It's your fault for being so easily duped.  
  
Ai: Is that so?  
  
Vincent: That's so.  
  
Ai: Wow.  
  
Cloud: Well, if that's the case, I want a divorce.  
  
Vincent: Fine, then no sweet, sweet claw lovin' for you. * Holds up tantalizing claw *  
  
Cloud: No! Dammit Valentine, not even a little?  
  
Vincent: You know I won't have sex outside of marriage.  
  
Ai: Who'd have though Val was such a prude.  
  
Cloud: Fine Val, you've won the battle, but you won't win the war! * Stalks off *  
  
Ai: * Get's bored and goes back to doing Get Backers fanart *  
  
Vincent: * Glares around at assembled people obsessed with Cloud * And STAY off MY Cloud. * Stomps away *  
  
Zax: * Squeaks * Medic! 


End file.
